Honkin' big cucumbers

You gardeners know of what I speak:  those wily cucumbers that manage to hide from you for a significant amount of time and then you trip over them because they are so large?!  Well, apparently my Y chromosome has truly been working whilst picking, and day before yesterday I discovered about 10 of these behemoths.  Now, you have to understand, sometimes I have this little stubborn streak.  Says I, there must be something to do with these honkers.  So to Google I go for a recipe for mock apple ring pickles (we had received some from the neighbor a couple years ago and Cath really liked them, so...).  Here's the process.  Pick the stupid things.  Peel the stupid things.  Slice the stupid things.  Core the stupid things.  Find a five gallon bucket, mix the pickling lime with the water and place the stupid things in this mixture.  Cover and let sit 24 hours.  Yes.  24 hours.  Drain the stupid things.  Rinse the stupid things until the water runs clear.  Place the stupid things back into the five gallon bucket with ice water.  Let the stupid things soak for 3 hours.  Combine the brine ingredients.  Place the stupid things in the brine on the stove and simmer for 2 hours.  Meanwhile, mix up the pickling melange and bring it to a boil, waiting for the tiny red hots to melt.  (Have you ever really tried to melt red hots?  FOREVER!)  Sterilize the jars.  Sterilize the lids and screw on caps.  Drain the stupid things.  Place the stupid things one by one into the jars.  Cover with the hot liquid.  Lid and screw the stupid things (by now, the most appropriate four words I can think of!).  Place on counter and cover with a cloth.  Wait for the stupid things to seal.  Pop.  Pop.  Pop.  Pop.  Pop.  Pop.  Pop.  Pop.  Pop.  Pop!  (Of course, this was over a 12 hour period, the sound of which was a blessing to my ears!)  Now to wait the two weeks before we can see if they are even edible!  Betty Crocker, eat your heart out!
You may have noticed a bit of redundancy in the above literary effort.  I am totally convinced it is not the cucumbers that were stupid.  Next time, when I find one of those big suckers, it goes in the compost bin.  Once bitten, twice shy!  Stay tuned for the taste test to see how truly stupid I may have been. 
May all your cucumbers be picked at just the right size, may all your efforts be timely and enjoyable, and if you ever have 53 hours to spend, let me know.  I have a stupid idea for you!  What's not so stupid?  The fact that you are loved!