Thursday, April 17, 2014

mortality and taxation

They say there are only two certainties in life--death and taxes.  They are wrong.  But before I elucidate, let's consider the first two.  I understand my mortality.  I do not embrace its final outcome.  Don't get me wrong.  When it's my time, I want it to come quickly.  I just don't want it to come soon.  And when it does come, I want the entire world to know (or my 22 followers for sure!) that 1) I hate funerals, 2) I am claustrophobic, and 3) I don't want to take up space when I'm not here.  Here's the plan.  I will be cremated.  My ashes will be collected in an inexpensive receptacle (a shoe box would do!).  I then want my designated driver to put the top down on a convertible, place someone on the back seat holding my shoebox open at the top, and accelerate, allowing my ashes to blow to the wind.  While I would suggest not doing this in sight of the EPA, I really won't care since they would have difficulty collecting me to fine me for littering.  Should you decide to hold a memorial service (read that PARTY) after I'm gone, I request the music be the music found on ABBA Gold, a rousing rendition of "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" with lip synching as appropriate, and a boisterous all-out rendition of "Running Bear"!  Should you be so inclined, doing so with an adult beverage in your hand would be even better! 
Having sufficiently morbidized this blog, let's move on to certainty #2.  Here's the thing.  I don't mind paying taxes.  You see, in my mind, any money that we share with the government pays the salaries of the men and women who protect us!  (What they do with your taxes, I don't know!  I would like to borrow your $15,000 hammer, however!)  So I pay...and I smile. 
Now, to the rebuttal to the claim of only two...Running.  Running is God's punishment for leading a bad life.  Running exists to make all other activities seem meaningful and enjoyable.  And yes, I came directly in from my morning run to sit at the computer.  As certain as I am that running is a tool of the devil, I do it--to postpone certainty #1 and increase my opportunity for certainty #2.  May your #1 be avoided for a very long time, your #2 be as small as possible, and if you run into me, be assured I will tell you that you are loved!

1 comment:

  1. Reminds me of Watertonian who wrote articles for newspaper titled "Thoughts While Shaving"...yours are thoughts while laboring, I mean running! Keep running.